Managers

Tyler J.

19 years | 2 championships

A man who lurks in the shadows. He really doesn’t say much, is often the butt of the joke, but his commitment and humility keep him an integral part of the league. He’s gone on many cold spells in his life, both in fantasy and other endeavours but that does not keep the man down. One “RED ALERT” and the man is back. ALL THE WAY BACK. Tyler, Porker, Jorgy, Tito, whatever you want to call him, is an OG member of the league with a solid track record. He’s been to 2 championships, winning them both. He’s tied for the most playoff appearances, but also tied for the most playoff losses. He’s made the playoffs three straight years, but has failed to record a victory during that stretch. He went through a 3-year stretch where he traded away a top 5 finisher at the RB position: Josh Jacobs RB3 (’22), James Conner RB5 (’21), Jonathon Taylor RB4 (’20). Tyler is an avid team name generator with each team name as follows in respective order by year: Porkaboos, Funkstas, Scatman, porkaschnattas, Jurassic Pork, Uncle, Pono, Uncle Tito and finally has graduated to Papa Tito. Jorgy is part of the respectable Tier two of fantasy owners.

Fun fact: Papa Tito holds the all-time record for most Kicker points in a single week with 26 points. He’s also known as a dry humping legend in high school. Are the two related? Not sure.

Brady K.

19 years | 2 championships

An original 7 owner, Brady was the second Whacker to win a title back in the Watertown Whackers sophomore season of 06’ as Krumy’s Kokomos. Unfortunately, Brady has been the second coldest owner in the league, behind Jakob, not securing another title in the past 13 years, even though he does have the best team and draft every year. That’s a fact. However, a recent data find may support his constant campaign to bring awareness to this claim. Brady has been regular season champ a league tied 3 times and high points a league high 5 times. Brady has searched for many team winning names since 2006 but has come up empty with Wildcat 85, Do It Like Tony, Big Fat, Dawn Budgie, Shy Guy Says, and Yoshi’s Redemption, which he is still searching for that redemption. Brady has held the position of commissioner for a decade until an uprising led by the owners ousted him from said position in the spring of 2014. He currently holds a lifetime treasurer term and has held this position for several years and is doing an excellent job, until we find malfeasance of fund allocation. Although his playoff history is anything but hilarious, he is part of the Tier two fantasy owners due to his regular season success.

Fun fact: Brady has red hair.

Matt T.

19 years | 3 championships

Simple Jack is a father to be and that’s just one of the many changes for him this year. He moved to a new town, bought a new house, and now has a new anterior cruciate ligament after he tore his last one. Google says you most commonly tear the ACL during sudden stops and change in direction. What a Segway, a sudden stop and change of direction perfectly describes Matt’s Watertown Whackers career. Boom got ya. Once highly regarded and 3 time champion his career has taken a sudden decline over the last half decade. After securing his 3rd title, it seems the former GOAT has spent ZERO time investing in the Whackers league. He had a chance to separate himself into elite status and instead allowed two other owners to match him in titles. Since his last title (7 years ago), he has made the playoffs just two times, notching only one win. OUCH. He has won titles with Simple Jack (2) and Flint Michigan Tropics (1). Many people have speculated to what caused the career change in direction. Some have eluded he may be addicted to gambling and self promoting his sketchy business Matt’s Corner, others think it has to do with dedication to public service. Matt is paid by many of your tax dollars and he’s hard at work daily to make you proud and South Dakota safer. Thanks Matt! AP bounced back to win MVP following an ACL tear, so that’s a potential outcome however Mambo number 55 was taken to the glue factory after tearing her ACL in the 1994 Kentucky derby. Time will tell. On another note, in 2012, Matt was part of a conspiracy theory, hoax if you will, dubbed Simple Dragons v. The League, where league investigator Vachal and co-conspirators found Simple Jack of being guilty and was forced to create an apology video (if you can locate the video, please let the commish know. The video is pure gold and needs to be shared with the masses). Matt is a Tier One Watertown Whackers owner.

Fun fact: Matt has the most playoff wins and highest playoff win % in the league. He’s also built the most lucrative gambling empire in Eastern South Dakota called “Matt’s Corner”.

Max F.

19 years | 3 championships

Dr. Max is a huge Aaron Rodgers fan, probably because like Max he’s a champion and both have dedicated their life to the study of medicine. The past decade Max has often been out of network on draft night and one truly needs to study his teams to understand if there is correlation between attendance and championships. A former student athlete, a loving father, and a guy who once jumped into a hot tub full of people completely in the nude. An original 7 owner, Maximillian Fullershit has accumulated three titles, one in 2012 and then the first and only back2back in ’19 and ’20. The kid has ascended into one of the best “all in” stories we’ve seen. After securing back2back ‘ships, he has placed Last, 10th and 10th in the years following, respectively. He’s one of only two teams with a 1 win season, with the second most last place finishes (4 times). Max began the league under the G-rated team name Maxer’s Meatballs. This owner also has been known to be called Let it Rain, The M.J.B, Pineapple Express, Pack Attack, The Hogs, Theo Bins and finally Christian Mingle. In high school, Max fell victim to an identity theft scandal by an individual that goes by the alias Theo Bins. However, Max turned that painful memory into glory as he achieved his second and third titles under his perpetrators name, so we were all deeply saddened when he had to retire said name in 2021. In 2021, 14.4 million consumers became victims of identity theft, overall 33 percent of adults have experienced this carnage, and Max has been one of them. Max has ascended into the highly respected Tier One of Fantasy Owners.

Fun fact: Max is the only original member to never have a tie. That’s probably because Max is either really good or really really bad. There is no middle ground.

Jakob V.

19 years | 2 championships

An original 7 owner, Jakob is the first Whacker to win a title back in the Watertown Whacker Commencement year of 05’ as DA Purple Underwear. Very odd team name. You can find out more information about his winning title by just bringing up keywords: fantasy football, Sean Alexander, or Larry Johnson. Jakob’s championship team included 3 defenses and 3 quarterbacks, of which included: Brad Johnson, Byron Leftwich, and Aaron Brooks. However, Jakob is the coldest owner in fantasy football, accruing zero titles in the past 14 years leaving him in the Tier Three category of Whackers owners. Jakob has been a dedicated, loyal owner for the past 15 years and spends much of his time as a Watertown Whacker owner advocate speaking on less harsh owner punishments and league rules. Jakob currently serves as the League Fantasy Football Investigator after winning the league over in a 2012 decision famously named Simple Dragons v. The League.

Fun fact: Jakob is a Latin derivative of “Yaakov” traditionally thought to be derived from the word “akev” which literally means “at the heel”.

Brendan K.

19 years | 1 championship

An OG 7 owner, Brendan began the league as “ogres united” when he was 6’1” in 8th grade and now at age 29 or 30 he is still 6’1”, maybe even shorter. Brendan has collected quite the variety of team names in the past that have included: LJ’s domination, Just Quinn Baby, Wausau, Kings of Leon, Bad Newz Kennels, then in 2012 Brendan learned of sex and changed his team name to 69ers and with that finally got his first and only title in 2013, Injured Reserve, Gronky Kong, Touchdown Tommy, Wentz Wagon, and currently team name The Toddfather. An internal data collection effort found that Brendan is 29-14 under team name 69ers, 67% winning percentage, and 69-81 under any other team name, a 46% winning percentage. Maybe it’s time for a permanent name change. Brendan falls in the Tier three of Fantasy Owners.

Fun fact: Brendan’s nickname is Brendo because it sounds much like his birthname, only the “a” and “n” were taken off and an ”o” was added to create his nickname.

Tyler T.

19 years | 1 championship

An original 7 owner. Turd has brought his crew with him since the inception of the league, except for one year. 14 out of the 15 years this owner has had some form or variation of the team name Turd’z Crew. In 2005, his name was TURD’Z CREW. All caps, trying to show dominance in the league year 1. Humbled, he took a different path, changing his name to TuRd’Z KrEw. Following that year, he slightly changed his name to TuRd’Z CrEw going from a “K” to a “C” would prove to be a very vital move in his history. 2008 was a dark year for Turd’z Crew as they disbanded into Bone Saw, nobody besides the owner is sure what prompted this change. Then in 2009, the owner changed his team name back to TuRd’Z CrEw and finally won a title. To this day his name remains, but he has yet to harness another championship. This owner is the only owner of the original 8 who has an under .500 winning percentage going 96-97-2 in his Whacker history. He is part of the Tier Three of Fantasy Owners.

Fun Fact: In 2010 this owner’s favorite porn star was Raven Riley.

Robin M.

18 years | 3 championships

Robin is the funniest, cutest, and most decorated member in his illustrious Whackers career. Well, at least that’s what he will tell anyone who will listen. In reality Robin is funny, he is decorated and he’s built like an 8th grade cross country runner giving him the unique ability to pull off wearing a football jersey at our age. If you ask Robin, he’s in the running for fastest Whacker, TRUTH, he’s in the running for fastest greying Whacker. Robin brings a fun spirited passion to the league we all appreciate and his big dog energy, little dog body makes a lovable character. Robin has become one of the most well-known names in recent fantasy football circles accruing 3 fantasy football titles in 6 championship appearances. Robin came into the league with the OG 7 as the pink lions and was then banished from the league following year. Was it because that was the year Mark entered the league and Mark intimidated Robin? Was it because of his terrible freshman attitude? Either way, Robin shaped up, changed his attitude, and is now a very important member holding positions as past commish and now League Editor of Watertown Whackers Times, League IT Specialist and Director of Cybersecurity. Although a recent hacking event by the Al-Quaeduh’s on the Whacker page has put him on the hot seat. Robin sits in the highly coveted Tier One of Fantasy Owners, due to his 3 championships.

Fun fact: The Weeks Ahead is Robin’s team motto, coincidentally it is also the name of his Insane Clown Posse high school cover band

Mark T.

17 years | 1 championship

You need a Mark in your league, believe me. Far too many leagues have dedicated owners that fade into adulthood and let the passion for fantasy football slip as the years pass. It’s helpful to have somebody in the league who will relentlessly bitch about everything from trades to which type of ground beef we use in the Queso for draft night. Mark loves a good altercation verbal and physical. He keeps the league in order and on point, head on a swivel if you will, not just on draft night but all season long. He mixes in just enough good finishes to always feel like he has a fighting chance, pun intended. A wise ass we all need and love in this league and possibly the last true wildcard we have after the recent graduation from Matt T. Mark joined the league back in 2006 and found immediate success with a championship in his 2nd year with the league. He is a very loyal owner to his team having the same name, Red Dragons, from 2006-2017. Following a lengthy historical court battle of Red Dragons v. The League, where the owner refused to retire his team name, Mark was given the verdict that it must be retired and from the ashes rose La Flama Blanca. Mark also dealt with legal issues in 2012, Simple Dragons v. The League, after completing an illegal league transaction with owner Simple Jack. Mark has not won a championship in 16 years, but his regular season dominance places him into the Tier Two category of fantasy owners.

Fun fact: In 9th grade Mark was part of the historic “B” squad, also known as the actual A-team, and went undefeated in basketball

Colton K.

15 years | 0 championships

Hard to have a bio and leave out the fact that Large now has the longest championship drought in the league. In fact, he has never won, leaving him as only 1 of 3 Whackers never to win. There is nothing wrong with never winning, it’s about having fun and enjoying yourself. I don’t know anybody who enjoys nap time, whoops I mean draft night more. Bios can be updated, and the day will come where he will hoist the Connie but for now, it must be noted he has the worst win % in league history outside of Drew D., shout out Drew, hope you’re well. Anyway, If smoking batties and drafting Falcons got you points, Large would be A1. I believe in Large, he may just need to delete Brady’s # and stay awake past round 8 to make it happen. Colton joined the Watertown Whackers back in 2011. The league thought it was best to give Large a couple years post high school to get that Great Plains Lutheran stigma off him. In fact, Large’s best season was his first year in the league (11-1-1 record) under the alias “Old Men of India”. No one knows what that team name means, but to this day it lives in the Whackers record books as greatest team name of all time. Since his inaugural season, it’s been a dramatic fall from the top for those boys from India, as he’s recorded just 3 total playoff wins, countless Sackos and many many trade blunders in 15 seasons. All these factors have landed this owner in the Tier 4 of owners, the lowest tier imaginable.

Fun Fact: Large’s 11-1-1 record in 2009 is the best regular season record in Whackers history.

Brett K.

12 years | 1 championship

From asking people if they want to get punched, to biting league mates, Brett’s mouth with certainly leaves a memorable stamp on draft night…as well as Marks fingers. Brett secured a Connie, enhancing his HOF resume. Some will remember when he hosted a draft at his house with wife and children at home and 10 guys sleeping over. Bold move, but bold is his middle name. A lover of Detroit hockey, Brett holds his responsibility as elder statesman of the league seriously, and helped us all go from boys to men with his tall tales. Brett began his adventure with the league in 2012 as K-Dawg and snagged his first and only championship in 2018 as the Browntown Bruisers, which, to no surprise, is sexual in nature. Brett always seems to be in contention of the playoffs, having made the playoffs 8/12 years. He’s known for his affinity of Running Backs and has never met a trade he didn’t like. Brett sits on the high end of Tier three of Fantasy Owners.

Fun Fact: Brett holds the record for most red cards in WHS Soccer history.

Nate V. & Blake T.

6 years | 0 championships

Win a title, get your own bios. For now, the two header monster is paired at the hip and without a ship. They have been formidable especially since Nate decided to take a Chance on Blake and bring him into the fold as the newest Whacker. Not much you can say about Blake’s fantasy football resume the book is still out. So, I’d like to highlight his freshman season at North Dakota State, kid had a really good swing. With a good win % and absolutely nothing to show for it, you gotta think Nate’s greatest accolade in his Whacker stint was the coup of Coop. Where he used his influence to essentially kick out an original member, and nobody has heard from Coop since. Whether you’re a burrito or a week 1 opponent look out, Nates gunna eat ya. Nate entered the league in 2018 and has turned in 5/6 seasons with a playoff appearance. It took 6 seasons though to finally record a playoff win, making it all the way to the ship only to start Jaren Hall at QB. Jaren Hall. In the championship. They’re young, they’ll learn. Unlike Colton it’s not IF it’s WHEN for this scribe turned Scholar. Despite a trip to the ship last year, they sit in the lowly Tier 4 of owners.