Managers
Tyler Jorgenson
14 years | 2 championships
An original 7 owner, it took Porker a decade to reach the finals and has only been to the championship a total of 2 times, but when he gets there, he is very efficient, securing both titles. Tyler is an avid team name generator with each team name as follows in respective order by year: Porkaboos, Funkstas, Scatman, porkaschnattas, Jurassic Pork, porkaschnatta’s, Uncle, and finally found a home with Pono beginning in 2013. Porker has held Commissioner and Vice-Commissioner roles where he became an expert in duty delegation. Part of the respectable Tier two of fantasy owners. Fun fact: Known as a dry humping legend in high school. Fun fact #2: Only song that played in his vehicle in high school was Sublime 40oz to Freedom.
Brady Krumwiede
14 years | 1 championship
An original 7 owner, Brady was the second Whacker to win a title back in the Watertown Whackers sophomore season of 06’ as Krumy’s Kokomos. Unfortunately, Brady has been the second coldest owner in the league, behind Jakob, not securing another title in the past 13 years, even though he does have the best team and draft every year. That’s a fact. However, a recent data find may support his constant campaign to bring awareness to this claim. Brady has been regular season champ a league tied 3 times and high points a league high 5 times. Brady has searched for many team winning names since 2006 but has come up empty with Wildcat 85, Do It Like Tony, Big Fat, Dawn Budgie, Shy Guy Says, and Yoshi’s Redemption, which he is still searching for that redemption. Brady has held the position of commissioner for a decade until an uprising led by the owners ousted him from said position in the spring of 2014. He currently holds a lifetime treasurer term and has held this position for several years and is doing an excellent job, until we find malfeasance of fund allocation. Although his playoff history is anything but hilarious, he is part of the Tier two fantasy owners due to his regular season success. Fun fact: Brady has red hair.
Matt Tribble
14 years | 3 championships
An original 7 owner, 3 championships, 6 championship appearances, and considered the GOAT of the league by majority. There isn’t a better resume in the history of resumes excluding Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, and Kobe Bryant in their respective careers. Known by most as Simple Jack, this owner has knack for changing names when recessions hit his team. He has won titles with Simple Jack (2) and Flint Michigan Trops (1). Other aliases for this owner include Das Boot, Pooptart, Simple Jack is Back, The Purple Cobras, Ol’ Greg and the Funk, The Avocado Cartel, and several others that were unable to be unearthed. Matt has held roles as Commissioner and Vice-Commissioner of the Watertown Whackers league for two terms each. He was an integral participant in the uprising against past commissioner Brady Krumweide and in the subsequent upheaval from his monarchy. In 2012, Matt was part of a conspiracy theory, hoax if you will, dubbed Simple Dragons v. The League, where league investigator Vachal and co-conspirators found Simple Jack of being guilty and was forced to create an apology video. Fun fact: He is the GOAT of the league and only Tier One Watertown Whackers owner.
Max Fuller
14 years | 1 championship
An original 7 owner, Maximillian Fullershit has accumulated two titles, in 2012 and the league’s most recent championship in 2019. Maxer has also garnered the less prestigious Sacko Toilet Bowl of Shame in 2017, which forced him to retire his beloved team name The Hogs. Max began the league under the G-rated team name Maxer’s Meatballs. This owner also has been known to be called Let it Rain, The M.J.B, Pineapple Express, Pack Attack, The Hogs, and finally Theo Binns. In high school, Max fell victim to an identity theft scandal by an individual that goes by the alias Theo Binns. However, Max turned that painful memory into glory as he achieved his second title under his perpetrators name. In 2019, 14.4 million consumers became victims of identity theft, overall 33 percent of adults have experienced this carnage, and Max has been one of them. Max falls into the respected Tier Two of Fantasy Owners.
Jakob Vachal
14 years | 1 championship
An original 7 owner, Jakob is the first Whacker to win a title back in the Watertown Whacker Commencement year of 05’ as DA Purple Underwear. Very odd team name. You can find out more information about his winning title by just bringing up keywords: fantasy football, Sean Alexander, or Larry Johnson. Jakob’s championship team included 3 defenses and 3 quarterbacks, of which included: Brad Johnson, Byron Leftwich, and Aaron Brooks. However, Jakob is the coldest owner in fantasy football, accruing zero titles in the past 14 years leaving him in the Tier Three category of Whackers owners. Jakob has been a dedicated, loyal owner for the past 15 years and spends much of his time as a Watertown Whacker owner advocate speaking on less harsh owner punishments and league rules. Jakob currently serves as the League Fantasy Football Investigator after winning the league over in a 2012 decision famously named Simple Dragons v. The League. Fun fact: Jakob is a Latin derivative of “Yaakov” traditionally thought to be derived from the word “akev” which literally means “at the heel”.
Brendan Koistinen
14 years | 1 championship
An OG 7 owner, Brendan began the league as “ogres united” when he was 6’1” in 8th grade and now at age 29 or 30 he is still 6’1”, maybe even shorter. Brendan has collected quite the variety of team names in the past that have included: LJ’s domination, Just Quinn Baby, Wausau, Kings of Leon, Bad Newz Kennels, then in 2012 Brendan learned of sex and changed his team name to 69ers and with that finally got his first and only title in 2013, Injured Reserve, Gronky Kong, Touchdown Tommy, Wentz Wagon, and currently team name The Toddfather. An internal data collection effort found that Brendan is 29-14 under team name 69ers, 67% winning percentage, and 69-81 under any other team name, a 46% winning percentage. Maybe it’s time for a permanent name change. Brendan falls in the Tier three of Fantasy Owners. Fun fact: Brendan’s nickname is Brendo because it sounds much like his birthname, only the “a” and “n” were taken off and an ”o” was added to create his nickname.
Tyler Turbak
14 years | 1 championship
An original 7 owner. Turd has brought his crew with him since the inception of the league, except for one year. 14 out of the 15 years this owner has had some form or variation of the team name Turd’z Crew. In 2005, his name was TURD’Z CREW. All caps, trying to show dominance in the league year 1. Humbled, he took a different path, changing his name to TuRd’Z KrEw. Following that year, he slightly changed his name to TuRd’Z CrEw going from a “K” to a “C” would prove to be a very vital move in his history. 2008 was a dark year for Turd’z Crew as they disbanded into Bone Saw, nobody besides the owner is sure what prompted this change. Then in 2009, the owner changed his team name back to TuRd’Z CrEw and finally won a title. To this day his name remains, but he has yet to harness another championship. This owner is the only owner of the original 8 who has an under .500 winning percentage going 96-97-2 in his Whacker history. He is part of the Tier Three of Fantasy Owners. Fun Fact: In 2010 this owner’s favorite porn star was Raven Riley.
Robin Marquardt
13 years | 2 championships
Robin has become one of the most well-known names in recent fantasy football circles accruing 2 fantasy football titles in 5 championship appearances. Two of these appearances have been in the last two years falling short of a third title each time to Theo Binns and Browntown Bruisers. Robin came into the league with the OG 7 as the pink lions and was then banished from the league following year. Was it because that was the year Mark entered the league and Mark intimidated Robin? Was it because of his terrible freshman attitude? Either way, Robin shaped up, changed his attitude, and is now a very important member holding positions as prestigious as Commissioner, Vice-Commissioner, League Editor of Watertown Whackers Times, and is currently League IT Specialist and Director of Cybersecurity, although a recent hacking event by the Al-Quaeduh’s on the Whacker page has put him on the hot seat. Robin is included into the respectable tier two fantasy owners. Fun fact: The Weeks Ahead is Robin’s team motto, coincidentally it is also the name of his Insane Clown Posse high school cover band.
Mark Turbak
12 years | 1 championship
Mark joined the league back in 2006 and found immediate success with a championship in his 2nd year with the league. He is a very loyal owner to his team having the same name, Red Dragons, from 2006-2017. Following a lengthy historical court battle of Red Dragons v. The League, where the owner refused to retire his team name, Mark was given the verdict that it must be retired, from the ashes rose La Flama Blanca. Mark also dealt with legal issues in 2012, Simple Dragons v. The League, after completing an illegal league transaction with owner Simple Jack, of which he was never fined for or forced to complete any apology video. He has been at the center of many accusations and seems to have found his niche as the bad boy that frequently skirts the rulebook of the league. Mark has not won a championship in 13 years, putting him in the Tier Three category of fantasy owners. Fun fact: In 9th grade Mark was part of the historic “B” squad, also known as the actual A-team, and went undefeated in basketball.
Colton Ksyench
10 years | 0 championships
Colton joined the Watertown Whackers back in 2011. The league thought it was best to give Large a couple years post high school to get that Great Plains Lutheran stigma off him. Large is one of the only owners in the league without a title and after almost 10 years of competing, it’s getting a little embarrassing. He began the league as Team “Hard”, as the years have progressed, he has proven to be as soft as baby shit. Then the Desperado was then born, and after three years, retired his team name to the Toilet Seat of Shame. The next 4 years Large found a home with Team Dirty Birds, going an astounding 19-33, and like clockwork, retired to the Toilet Seat of Shame. Currently, team name Saving Matt Ryan has had success, going 8-5 thus far. There have been several serious allegations and much controversy surrounding this owner as of late regarding his knowledge of his last place punishment and the lying of completing said punishment on the time he claims to have completed it. All these factors have landed this owner in the Tier 4 of owners, the lowest tier imaginable.
Brett Kruiter
7 years | 1 championship
Current commissioner of the Watertown Whackers. Ex-Watertown Arrows Soccer Player holding the most red cards in school history, Father, Brother, and Accountant. This man holds many titles and they are listed by importance above in respective order. Brett began his adventure with the league in 2012 as K-Dawg and snagged his first and only championship in 2018 as the Browntown Bruisers, which, should surprise nobody, is sexual in nature. As the Browntown Bruisers Brett has collected a 2nd and 1st place titles and has never missed the playoffs. In between these years Brett’s names included Under Dwayne Bowe, Saved by the Bell, and Steady Gronk’n. K-Dawg had a rough beginning starting the league 8-17-1, but in year three had a gorgeous season of 11-2 that unfortunately ended in the first round of the playoffs. Tier three of Fantasy Owners.
Nate Vanlaecken & Chance Olerud
2 years | 0 championships
This co-ownership was invited to the league 2 years ago, and it has not been the same ever since. The naterchancevirus18, also known as NACHA18, infected the league back in 2018. It began as several dumb league ideas but then began to infect the brains of the owners. Slowly, but surely, these ideas started to manifest inside the owner’s brains and infecting them with stupidity, creating the league and its rules we see today. Common side effects associated with NACHA 18 include: difficulty remembering things, inability to connect actions with consequences, behavioral issues such as explosive tantrums, and difficulty with problem-solving or logical thinking. In the two years these hooligans have been accepted into the league there has been 13 rule changes, compared to the 7 total changes that were documented beforehand. The co-ownership is working well in the regular season as these two have managed to make the playoffs both years of their admittance; however, they have failed to collect a single win so far in their playoff quest. They traded Christian McCaffrey in 2018, who was statistically the third best RB that year, and Derrick Henry in 2019, who won the rushing title. They have already become known as the league go-to for trade requests. 0 titles, 0 playoff wins, Tier 4 of owners. Fun Fact: Nate has 4 nipples.
Whackers Who Couldn't Quite Whack It
Hunter Cooper
10 years
Ethan Johnson
6 years
Drew Danforth
6 years
Sam Funovits
2 years
Brady Hershman
1 year
