Managers

Tyler J.

21 years | 2 championships

A man who lurks in the shadows. He really doesn’t say much, is often the butt of the joke, but his commitment and humility keep him an integral part of the league. He’s gone on many cold spells in his life, both in fantasy and other endeavours but that does not keep the man down. One “RED ALERT” and the man is back. ALL THE WAY BACK. Tyler, Porker, Jorgy, Tito, whatever you want to call him, is an OG member of the league with a solid track record. He’s been to 2 championships, winning them both. He has the 2nd most playoff appearances, but also 2nd most playoff losses. He went through a 3-year stretch where he traded away a top 5 finisher at the RB position: Josh Jacobs RB3 (’22), James Conner RB5 (’21), Jonathon Taylor RB4 (’20). Tyler is an avid team name generator with each team name as follows in respective order by year: Porkaboos, Funkstas, Scatman, porkaschnattas, Jurassic Pork, Uncle, Pono, Uncle Tito and finally has graduated to Papa Tito. Jorgy is part of the respectable Tier two of fantasy owners.

Fun fact: Papa Tito holds the all-time record for most Kicker points in a single week with 26 points. He’s also known as a dry humping legend in high school. Are the two related? Not sure.

Brady K.

21 years | 2 championships

Ex-Commissioner (Impeached, Resigned as Treasurer) | Lifetime Treasurer (Resigned under mysterious circumstances) | Coup Leader, Self-Crowned Commissioner

Brady, one of the league’s Original 7, was the second-ever Whacker to hoist the trophy, winning it all in 2006 as Krumy’s Kokomos. What followed was a brutal 17-year drought that would’ve broken a lesser redhead. Every season, he showed up claiming to have the best draft and the best team, only to collapse the moment the games actually mattered. Statistically, his teams shine from September through December… then crumble like a stale ginger snap once the playoffs arrive. Brady’s rotated through a parade of team names: Wildcat 85 (great game), Do It Like Tony, Big Fat, Dawn Budgie, Shy Guy Says, Yoshi’s Redemption, and BK Sizzle. Brady has always had a weird knack for regular season success. He’s tied for the second most regular season titles (4), leads all owners in high-point finishes (6), and has the most playoff appearances (15 of 20 years), proving he dominates when nothing’s on the line. Then, magic struck in 2023 when he captured his second title with a name change to Jamie Taco. A little backstory on Jamie Taco. Before he was a champion, he was just another henchman, grunting in the background, doing the dirty work, and hoping someone would notice. But Jamie Taco wasn’t built to blend in. No, Jamie stole the show, literally, when he hijacked all the lines in a local community theater play that had performers despondent that there is no way they could say their lines faster than Jamie Taco! This speed and aggression translated to fantasy football well through waiver wire acquisitions and threatening trade requests. But hey, that’s just the Taco Way. However, due to the 17-year curse that has been placed on him and another owner, fantasy lore now dictates that Jamie Taco won’t lift another trophy until 2040. The prophecy writes itself. We’ll see if Jamie Taco can defy the odds. Politically, Brady ruled as commissioner for over a decade with an iron fist. However, his reign came to a dramatic end in 2014 with the owner-led uprising when it was discovered league funds had allegedly bought himself a nice vacation or Christmas presents for his girlfriend, details are fuzzy. Ousted in disgrace, he somehow slithered himself into a “lifetime” role as Treasurer. Another oversight by the league, but he mysteriously left this role and vanished from public office. But the Shadow King never sleeps. In 2025, with whispers of unrest and a few carefully chosen allies, Brady orchestrated a silent coup, returning to power without a democratic vote, a constitutionally questionable move that somehow stuck. One minute the league had a functioning commissioner, the next, Brady was back on the throne like he never left, grinning and holding a freshly printed Constitution that no one else had seen before. I’m sure somewhere in the document there is an asterisk with 1 size font that states there will be no more elections and he has a lifetime Commissioner and Treasurer role to continue the corruption. All hail the once and future king. Just don’t ask where your buy-in money went.

Fun fact: Brady has red hair.

Matt T.

21 years | 3 championships

Simple Jack is now a father after knocking up the winner of Matt’s Corner’s coveted 2024 March Madness bracket champion. He went through many changes as of late: moved to a new town, bought a new house, and now has a new anterior cruciate ligament after he tore his last one. Google says you most commonly tear the ACL during sudden stops and change in direction. What a Segway, a sudden stop and change of direction perfectly describes Matt’s Watertown Whackers career. Boom got ya. Once highly regarded and 3 time champion his career has taken a sudden decline over the last half decade. After securing his 3rd title, it seems the former GOAT has spent ZERO time investing in the Whackers league. He had a chance to separate himself into elite status and instead allowed two other owners to match him in titles. Since his last title (8 years ago), he has made the playoffs just two times, notching only one win. OUCH. He has won titles with Simple Jack (2) and Flint Michigan Tropics (1). Many people have speculated to what caused the career change in direction. Some have eluded he may be addicted to gambling and self promoting his sketchy business Matt’s Corner, others think it has to do with dedication to public service. Matt is paid by many of your tax dollars and he’s hard at work daily to make you proud and South Dakota safer. Thanks Matt! AP bounced back to win MVP following an ACL tear, so that’s a potential outcome however Mambo number 55 was taken to the glue factory after tearing her ACL in the 1994 Kentucky derby. Time will tell. On another note, in 2012, Matt was part of a conspiracy theory, hoax if you will, dubbed Simple Dragons v. The League, where league investigator Vachal and co-conspirators found Simple Jack of being guilty and was forced to create an apology video (if you can locate the video, please let the commish know. The video is pure gold and needs to be shared with the masses). Matt is a Tier One Watertown Whackers owner, but is starting to trend to Tier Two.

Fun fact: Matt has the most playoff wins and highest playoff win % in the league. He’s also built the most lucrative gambling empire in Eastern South Dakota called “Matt’s Corner”.

Max F.

21 years | 3 championships

Dr. Max is a huge Aaron Rodgers fan, probably because like Max he’s a champion and both have dedicated their life to the study of medicine. The past decade Max has often been out of network on draft night and one truly needs to study his teams to understand if there is correlation between attendance and championships. A former student athlete, a loving father, and a guy who once jumped into a hot tub full of people completely in the nude. An original 7 owner, Maximillian Fullershit has accumulated three titles, one in 2012 and then the first and only back2back in ’19 and ’20. The kid has ascended into one of the best “all in” stories we’ve seen. After securing back2back ‘ships, he has placed Last, 10th, 10th and 8th in the years following, respectively. He’s one of only two teams with a 1-win season, with the second most last place finishes (4 times). Max began the league under the G-rated team name Maxer’s Meatballs. This owner also has been known to be called Let it Rain, The M.J.B, Pineapple Express, Pack Attack, The Hogs, Theo Bins, Christian Mingle and finally TB2. In high school, Max fell victim to an identity theft scandal by an individual that goes by the alias Theo Bins. However, Max turned that painful memory into glory as he achieved his second and third titles under his perpetrators name, so we were all deeply saddened when he had to retire said name in 2021. In 2021, 14.4 million consumers became victims of identity theft, overall 33 percent of adults have experienced this carnage, and Max has been one of them. Max has ascended into the highly respected Tier One of Fantasy Owners.

Fun fact: Max is the only original member to never have a tie. That’s probably because Max is either really good or really really bad. There is no middle ground.

Jakob V.

21 years | 2 championships

Manager Bio Under Construction

Brendan K.

21 years | 2 championships

Brendan is one of the OG7, and he’s been in the league so long he started as Ogres United—a team name clearly inspired by being 6’1” in 8th grade. Fast forward nearly two decades, and while the fantasy league has grown, Brendan… hasn’t. Still 6’1”, possibly shorter, and still trying to find his way out of Tier Three. Known for his ever-changing team names that include: LJ’s Domination, Just Quinn Baby, Bad Newz Kennels, Touchdown Tommy, Wentz Wagon, The Toddfather, Kobra Kyler, Getting Digsy With it, Adams Bomb, Puka Shells, and most recently, Bonesaw McGraw. Brendan’s identity crisis on the roster sheet reflects his performance on the standings. But in 2012, everything changed. Brendan discovered sex, renamed his team the 69ers, and immediately won his only title in 2013. Coincidence? Probably not. As of this writing, we are unsure what Brendan’s team name will be for 2025, what we are sure of is he will continue his 12 year drought, into 13 years. Take some advice from a 3-time champ? Stick to a team name that works. Under the 69ers name, Brendan has posted a dominant 29-14 record (67% win rate). Under every other name? A forgettable 100-119 (46%).

Fun fact: Brendan’s nickname is Brendo because it sounds much like his birthname, only the “a” and “n” were taken off and an ”o” was added to create his nickname.

Tyler T.

21 years | 1 championship

One of the Original 7, Turd has been dragging his underperforming crew along since the league’s inception with only a single year off for a much needed rebrand. For 14 of the 15 seasons, he’s proudly stuck to some variation of the “Turd’z Crew” moniker, hoping that swapping capital letters and tweaking spellings might somehow result in fantasy glory. Spoiler: it didn’t. In 2005, he entered with TURD’Z CREW, all caps, big energy, an assertion of dominance some speculated. However, that’s all it was, speculation. After a humbling debut, he dialed it back to TuRd’Z KrEw, then TuRd’Z CrEw, as if changing a “K” to a “C” was the secret sauce. In 2008, he strayed with the ominous Bone Saw—a name no one understood, and fewer remember. But in 2009, lightning struck: TuRd’Z CrEw reclaimed its name and captured its only championship. Fast forward 17 years… and that 2009 trophy is still collecting dust… alone, forgotten, and definitely jealous of newer, shinier hardware won by others. While other owners evolved, strategized, and lifted banners, Turd found new joys: three kids, increasing distractions, and a fantasy win-loss record that screams mediocrity at 131-131-2. Now comfortably nestled in Tier Three, Turd’z Crew continues to chase former glory—if he can remember to set his lineup between diaper changes and school drop-offs.

Fun Fact: In 2010 this owner’s favorite porn star was Raven Riley.

Robin M.

20 years | 3 championships

Robin is the funniest, cutest, and most decorated member in his illustrious Whackers career. Well, at least that’s what he will tell anyone who will listen. In reality Robin is funny, he is decorated and he’s built like an 8th grade cross country runner giving him the unique ability to pull off wearing a football jersey at our age. If you ask Robin, he’s in the running for fastest Whacker, TRUTH, he’s in the running for fastest greying Whacker. Robin brings a fun spirited passion to the league we all appreciate and his big dog energy, little dog body makes a lovable character. Robin has become one of the most well-known names in recent fantasy football circles accruing 3 fantasy football titles in 6 championship appearances. Robin came into the league with the OG 7 as the pink lions and was then banished from the league following year. Was it because that was the year Mark entered the league and Mark intimidated Robin? Was it because of his terrible freshman attitude? Either way, Robin shaped up, changed his attitude, and is now a very important member holding positions as past commish and now League Editor of Watertown Whackers Times, League IT Specialist and Director of Cybersecurity. Although a recent hacking event by the Al-Quaeduh’s on the Whacker page has put him on the hot seat. Robin sits in the highly coveted Tier One of Fantasy Owners, due to his 3 championships.

Fun fact: The Weeks Ahead is Robin’s team motto, coincidentally it is also the name of his Senses Fail high school cover band.

Mark T.

19 years | 1 championship

You need a Mark in your league, believe me. Far too many leagues have dedicated owners that fade into adulthood and let the passion for fantasy football slip as the years pass. It’s helpful to have somebody in the league who will relentlessly bitch about everything from trades to which type of ground beef we use in the Queso for draft night. Mark loves a good altercation, both verbal and physical. He keeps the league in order and on point, head on a swivel if you will, not just on draft night but all season long. He mixes in just enough good finishes to always feel like he has a fighting chance, pun intended. A wise ass we all need and love in this league and possibly the last true wildcard we have after the recent graduation from Matt T. Mark joined the league back in 2006 and found immediate success with a championship in his 2nd year with the league. He is a very loyal owner to his team having the same name, Red Dragons, from 2006-2017. Following a lengthy historical court battle of Red Dragons v. The League, where the owner refused to retire his team name, Mark was given the verdict that it must be retired and from the ashes rose La Flama Blanca. Mark also dealt with legal issues in 2012, Simple Dragons v. The League, after completing an illegal league transaction with owner Simple Jack. Mark has not won a championship in 16 years, but his regular season dominance places him into the Tier Two category of fantasy owners.

Fun fact: In 9th grade Mark was part of the historic “B” squad, also known as the actual A-team, and went undefeated in basketball

Colton K.

17 years | 0 championships

Hard to have a bio and leave out the fact that Large now has the longest championship drought in the league. In fact, he has never won, leaving him as only 1 of 3 Whackers never to win. There is nothing wrong with never winning, it’s about having fun and enjoying yourself. I don’t know anybody who enjoys nap time, whoops I mean draft night more. Bios can be updated, and the day will come where he will hoist the Connie but for now, it must be noted he has the worst win % in league history outside of Drew D., shout out Drew, hope you’re well. Anyway, If smoking batties and drafting Falcons got you points, Large would be A1. I believe in Large, he may just need to delete Brady’s # and stay awake past round 8 to make it happen. Colton joined the Watertown Whackers back in 2011. The league thought it was best to give Large a couple years post high school to get that Great Plains Lutheran stigma off him. In fact, Large’s best season was his first year in the league (11-1-1 record) under the alias “Old Men of India”. No one knows what that team name means, but to this day it lives in the Whackers record books as greatest team name of all time. Since his inaugural season, it’s been a dramatic fall from the top for those boys from India, as he’s recorded just 3 total playoff wins, countless Sackos and many many trade blunders in 16 seasons. All these factors have landed this owner in the Tier Four of owners, the lowest tier imaginable.

Fun Fact: Large’s 11-1-1 record in 2009 is the best regular season record in Whackers history.

Brett K.

14 years | 2 championships

From asking people if they want to get punched, to biting league mates, Brett’s mouth with certainly leaves a memorable stamp on draft night…as well as Marks fingers. Brett secured his 2nd Connie, enhancing his HOF resume. Some will remember when he hosted a draft at his house with wife and children at home and 10 guys sleeping over. Bold move, but bold is his middle name. A lover of Detroit hockey, Brett holds his responsibility as elder statesman of the league seriously, and helped us all go from boys to men with his tall tales. Brett began his adventure with the league in 2012 as K-Dawg and snagged his first championship in 2018 and second in 2024 as the Browntown Bruisers, which, to no surprise, is sexual in nature. Brett always seems to be in contention of the playoffs, having made the playoffs 9/13 years. He’s known for his affinity of Running Backs, his beloved Bengals and has never met a trade he didn’t like. Brett sits in Tier Two of Fantasy Owners.

Fun Fact: Brett holds the record for most red cards in WHS Soccer history.

Nate V. & Blake T.

8 years | 0 championships

Win a title, get your own bios. For now, the two header monster is paired at the hip and without a ship. They have been formidable especially since Nate decided to take a Chance on Blake and bring him into the fold as the newest Whacker. Not much you can say about Blake’s fantasy football resume the book is still out. So, I’d like to highlight his freshman season at North Dakota State, kid had a really good swing. With a good win % and absolutely nothing to show for it, you gotta think Nate’s greatest accolade in his Whacker stint was the coup of Coop. Where he used his influence to essentially kick out an original member, and nobody has heard from Coop since. Whether you’re a burrito or a week 1 opponent look out, Nates gunna eat ya. Nate entered the league in 2018 and has turned in 6/7 seasons with a playoff appearance, very impressive. It took 6 seasons though to finally record a playoff win, making it all the way to the ship only to start Jaren Hall at QB. Jaren Hall. In the championship. They’re young, they’ll learn. Unlike Colton it’s not IF it’s WHEN for this scribe turned Scholar. Despite one trip to the ship, they sit in the lowly Tier Four of owners.

Fun Fact: Nate has 4 nipples. It’s rumored Blake has tried to milk said nipples. Moo