As I sat down to write this week’s monologue I poured myself a nice bourbon neat, not because I like my bourbon neat, but because I don’t own an ice trey, and the urban piping in my building is suboptimal and makes for a cloudy drink, I digress. I logged into the old whackers home page and started cross referencing the current year stacked up to years of the past. I am reminded that some things never change: Brady convincing large to make a trade for a valuable asset, we have seen it before. Frank Gore starting in yet another back field, and Johnny Drama near the bottom of the standings. Some things never change. I haven’t won a championship since 2004 in a 10-man league. Me bragging about winning is the equivalent to Chance’s stories about scoring a touchdown in 9-man football. 

As I ponder on what 15 year old Jake’s strategy was that brought him to the promise land, trying to find the juice that it takes to hoist the Connie, it became evidently clear that we in fact do change. As a league we have been changing, and even more so as individuals. There has been some incredible transformations in the past 14 years, and I cant wait to see what the next 14 years will bring. I am willing to bet it wont be a Johnny Drama Championship. 14 years ago I was chasing TG around and 14 years from now I’ll be able to finally upgrade my 400 sq. ft. apartment to a 400 sq. ft. apartment with a dish washer. When I won the championship Brendo was considered a very tall individual, but now he’s mostly average in height. Robin was the lead signer of a screamo band named “The Weeks Ahead”. He has ditched the EMO look and became a proud card holding member of the Minneapolis hipster club. Matt Tribble was living at Connie’s house, a beautiful woman who did his laundry and made sure he got up in time for school. Now he has his own fiancé who continues to make sure he wears pants in the morning, and gets him up for work. During my first championship run Turd was getting kicked out of swimming pools, now he’s filling them up in his backyard of his beautiful new home. Nate and Chance weren’t even in the league, and Large was able to stay awake later than 9pm, to put simply times were much different. The fine commish himself was a young lad walking around town swearing and making vulgar comments about the cute girl working at Pizza Ranch……..well not all of us change. 

Anyway, as the league evolves and changes and we become adults, this league has continued to cost me money, but more importantly, it has given me a great escape from all the shit we deal with, and even if I never win another championship, I am very grateful for all of you. Please continue to make me laugh, cry, drink, and remember I am trying my best with texting and spelling but I just cant seem to figure it out. My drink is finished so I will be done now.

– Johnny Drama