Whackers Weekly 2020 – Week 1

Whackers Weekly / By

IIIIIIII'MMMMMM BAAAAAAAACK

I’m not entirely sure how long it’s been since I strapped on the glasses, dipped my quill pen, put on my suit, cracked my knuckles and put on my writing fedora but here I am baby. I AM BACK. Now that I am working remotely I figure, why not take a couple hours and get back to my old ways of roasting the bad, complimenting the good, and making fun of Kruiter.

We previously tried splitting up the writing duties but the second that we did that the Watertown Whackers Weekly fell into a fiery pit of death. We very quickly learned passing off the writing duties to the less involved members is a quick way to watch something fail. That, and the fact that some jerk from that communist country that Trump likes so much, hacked our site causing me to have a (Porker level) migraine.

But here it is boys. The return of the Whackers Weekly newsletter. This time around I’ll likely get back to my old ways of taking on most of the writing duty but if any volunteers want to step forward, please do so. If I can (I can) I would like to express what is going to happen this year by me doing this. The last two years where I basically had little to no involvement in the newsletter I finished, very impressively, 2nd place in both the regular season and in the playoffs. The last time I fully dedicated my off-time to writing was probably in 2016 where I finished 12th in the regular season and 11th in the playoffs, narrowly missing the T-shirt and the license plate, of which I would’ve proudly placed on my car for the entire 12 months without a single complaint unlike Mark, Large, Chance and many others. I AINT NO BITCH. But thankfully I didn’t have to. What I’m fearful of this time around is that I will regress back to where Brady thinks I belong; at the bottom. Dedicating my time to writing, coupled with my suspect team, things could get ugly in a hurry. But I’m willing to take that risk. So here goes nothing.

Week 1 Recap

Finally! We’ve all been waiting for the 2020 season to kick off so we have something positive to look forward too in this shit hole year. Week 1 was a great start to the fantasy season with a couple close matchups and a beautiful come from behind victory!

A Lucky Rip Catapults a Comeback Victory

Saving Matt Ryan is known for a few things, but most notably, it’s his ability to take rips. Michael Thomas put up an absolute dud of a week and SMR was able to ride on the heels of his other “WR1”, Darius Slayton, to somehow slay the Kobra and complete the always annoying/exciting Monday night comeback. One would expect a win when your team is leading 88.30 to 66.70 heading into the MNF games. Especially with each team having 1 player to play on Monday night. But sometimes that’s just the way the Kobra coils.
 

The White Flame Torches a Crew of Turdz

Picking right back where he left off, LA FLAMA BLANCA absolute dusted TuRd’Z CrEw securing the first week’s high point total and the largest winning margin with a staggering 76.34 pt difference. DangeRUSS was dangerous completing 89% of his passes for 322 yards and 4 tuddies. The only person on his team that didn’t have double digit points was Greg “the washed up leg” Zuerlein when he decided to fuck me and miss 2 field goals in the first half. TuRd’Z CrEw on the other hand only had 2 players in double digits, combining for 50% of his teams points. I’m right there with ya Tyler.
 

Theo’s Bin Here Before

Last year’s champ came out swinging against the deadly duo of the BallZachers. This matchup touted the highest matchup combined total score with a losing score of 130.40 and a winning score of 146.98. Tough to swallow that type of a loss when you put up the third highest point total on the week. But Chance is used to swallowing (<- sex joke). Theo’s lord and savior, A-Rodge, led the way with a total of 34.48 pts while torching the sorry looking Minnesota Vikings defense. He easily could’ve had another touchdown or two if his WRs (outside of Davante) could catch the ball more consistently. He did this while facing his QB’s number 1 receiver who put up the highest points by any player in week 1.

 

The GOAT'S Opinions

Welcome to this weeks G.O.A.T’s corner, I am your columnist, Simple Jack. 

Today we will dive deep into the centuries old question of what is the nature of a G.O.A.T?

To understand a G.O.A.T, you must understand their origin. G.O.A.T’s have been around for at least 72 years, probably longer than even that. The etymology of G.O.A.T derives from Old English and the German Gothic era word gaitaz, which meant jump. German Gothic is not to be confused with Robin Marquardt’s high school screamo phase. Female G.O.A.T’s are referred to as does or nannies, from personal experience do not google search nannies playing around with eachother. You will not get female G.O.A.T’s in the wild, it is something completely different. Male G.O.A.T’s are called bucks, billies, or Matt Tribble. In 2011, there were more than 924 million G.O.A.T’s living in the world, but only a single G.O.A.T in the Watertown Whackers league. 

Week 2 Matchups

Johnny Drama (1-0)

vs

Uncle Tito (1-0)

Johnny Drama (3) vs. Uncle Tito (4)

The 3rd and 4th place teams facing off against each other. Two teams who’s pts for is separated by a mere 1.1 total point. This should be a good matchup as we’ll get to see the #1 drafted RB vs the #3 drafted RB and two rookie RBs facing off against each other. Uncle Tito boasts a 4 RB lineup while Johnny Drama is sticking to the more conventional WR heavy lineup. I think the real difference here will be the FLEX plays. Who made the right call on which position will be more efficient? Will it be the RBs? Will it be the WRs?

Browntown Bruisers (0-1)

vs

BK Sizzle (0-1)

Browntown Bruisers (8) vs. BK Sizzle (9)

Both of these managers suffered a loss in Week 1 of the 2020 season. BK Sizzle barely suffered a defeat but a defeat nonetheless. Browntown saw his hopeful comeback fall short when he put up a total of 13.6 points on Monday night between his 3 remaining players. Josh Jacobs (my 2020 Fantasy MVP candidate) put up 3 rushing TDs and 139 total yards last week and will look to continue to trounce defenses this week against NO. If Patty Mahomes and Josh Jacobs can put up some big numbers this week, the Bruisers will be ok with another lackluster week from his suspect receiving corp. BK Sizzle is starting the oldest QB in the league and the new hot stuff CEH to secure his first victory. His receiving corp is boom or bust. A LOT OF TALENT, but the floor can be pretty dismal as we’ve seen in the past. So if they show up, it should be an easy win as his team has a much higher ceiling than the Bruisers.

My Ball Zach Ertz (0-1)

vs

TuRd'Z CrEw (0-1)

My Ball Zach Ertz (7) vs. TuRd’Z CrEw (11)

As I mentioned before, My Ball Zach Ertz put up big numbers in week 1 which is why I think they’re worthy a matchup preview. They’re out to prove that the WR heavy teams can put up a fight week in and week out. They made the right call last week to sit Mike Evans (with his hamstring issues) so we know that these two (plus Rob V. and Ryan V.’s advice) have the wherewithal to make difficult decisions. Raheem the dream had a pretty lackluster day on the ground but showed that the young fella can scoot when he catches a pass in the open field. They’ll definitely have a tough time figuring out the right plays to plug in but if they do it correctly, they could see another big week. TuRd’Z CrEw had a pretty rough week last week as he watched his two top RBs accumulate a total of 137 yards for 14.70 total points. Not what you wanna see out of the big named Mixon and Chubb. But I guess that’s what happens when your RBs are on shit teams. Greg Kittle went down with a knee injury last week but thank goodness Turd is a doctor so he knows the recovery time and will be able to confidently look to his bench, which is littered with RBs. Who will he play? That decision may be the determining factor between going 1-1 or 0-2.

Did you know?

In Week 4 of the 2019 season, Saving Matt Ryan beat Theo Bins by a mere 0.04 points. They face off this week. Will Theo Bins return the favor?

Bold Prediction Cotton

Robin's Bold Prediction

Saving Matt Ryan won on a late comeback in Week 1. Can he do it again this week? Why the hell not. Large is known for an early season hot streak only to make a few bad trades to kick off his downward spiral. He’s gonna continue his hot streak this week when Lamar throws for 2 and runs for 2. Cam Akers will take over this backfield and rush for 100+ with a tuddy. Meanwhile, A Rodge reverts back to the mean and throws for <250 and only 1 tuddy.

Saving Matt Ryan 111-98

Brady's Bold Prediction

A real David vs. Goliath story as Worse than Drew takes on the top dog, LA FLAMA BLANCA. Tannehill throws for 4 tuddys and 300+ yards in a shootout against Minshew Mania. LA FLAMA BLANCA lays a dud as Ridley and David Johnson put up less than 10 points combined, all while Odell drops a big DUECE on Thursday Night with a couple scores.

Worse Than Drew: 119 – 91

The Spinning Wheel of Punishments

The votes are in! Check out the full list of punishments below

1. Buy a keg for the draft

2. 3 shotguns in a row

3. Sacko & regular season loser handcuffed for the draft

4. Buy 1st and 2nd place managers dinner

5. Paint toenails a bright color for an entire summer

6. Eat the hottest pepper we can find

7. Complete an eating challenge

8. Wear a rival team's jersey every sunday

9. Run a half-marathon

10. License plate cover for 6 months

11. Full year calendar photo shoot

12. Eat a full raw onion

13. Drink a 14oz can of cold tomato soup

14. Panhandle at an intersection

See what didn't make the cut

Recent Posts