May they rest in peace
Week 2. Wow. Holy cow. Schnikies! Week 2 was bruuuuutal on the injury front. In my recency biased memory, I can’t remember a week quite like week 2 in regards to injuries. We’ve seen some big names go down, some for the year and some for a few weeks. Most notably, the #1 and #2 overall draft picks of CMC and Saquads. Saquon being done for the year is an injury that nobody, especially Matt, wants to see. But on the positive side, we got to see some big bucks thrown around at the waiver claim day. The RBs were the hot ticket item and we saw $65 spent on 2 RBs by Simple Jack and a $45 claim on Darrel Henderson by Johnny Drama (of course I dropped him for AP, good move Rob). It will be exciting to see if spending 50%+ of their FAB through 3 weeks will pay off in the long run or turn out to bite them in the ass.
Week 2 Recap
We had a couple pretty solid week 2 matchups and a couple matchups that were over before it really started. Some of the early season front runners continued to chuck around their weight, and some of the less fortunate took the L in the matchup and some took an L with the injury plague of 2020.
Early NFL MVP Candidate Comes Up Just a Tish Short
He’s Heating Up
Kyler’s Kobra Poisons Simple Jack’s Hope for 2-0
The GOAT'S Opinions
Welcome to week 2 of the G.O.A.T’s corner, I am your columnist, Simple Jack. Week 2 was an especially brutal week with 6 players coming down with the ACL tear, one of which was my beloved second overall pick Saquon Barkley, which got me thinking, why do we have ACL’s and where did they come from? The cruciate ligaments have been known about since old Egyptian times (3000 BC), not to be confused with new Egyptian Times. Hippocrates also (460–370 BC) mentioned the ligament pathology, but Claudius Galen, a Greek physician in the Roman Empire, was the first to describe the true nature of the ACL. Before Galen, the dumb fucking physicians thought the ligaments were part of the nervous system.
Currently, the ACL injury has an annual incidence of 1 in every 3,000 people in the United States, equating to more than 150,000 new ACL ruptures every year. The ACL business is-a-boomin’ and we need to begin thinking of business ideas. If we engineer a device for ACL recovery, we can make bookoo bucks and fund league parties for the next… at least 5 years. Company name ideas include: ACHell, Kneed Surgery?, Rippin’ n’ Tearin’, Rip Torn LLC, Cloudy with a Chance of torn Kneetballs.
Slogan: Tear an ACL? No worries, for (enter company name here) is here to provide you with a special opportunitknee! Give us a shot and you’ll see, we are ligameant to be!
I’ll show myself out. Good luck in week 3.
Week 2 Matchups
LA FLAMA BLANCA (1-1)
vs
Uncle Tito (2-0)
LA FLAMA BLANCA (3) vs. Uncle Tito (2)
Yahoo has this projected at 128.23 to 126.96 in favor of the white flamers. Julio is questionable to play in Sunday’s game which means that Calvin Ridley could see the DB1 from the Bears. Not that it really matters since Ridley seems to find his way to the endzone in what feels like every week. Porkdawg just made a trade to get rid of his RB3, Chris Carson but still is starting 3 RBs. One RB literally has “feed me” tattooed on his stomach, the next best is also getting fed, big time. 26 for 101 and 1 last week for Mr. Taylor and I don’t see why they wouldn’t go that way again given that Phlip Rivers has the same throwing motion as our resident SFL champ QB, J Vachs. And they can both barely throw the football. Plus a likely positive game-script will lead to more feeding. I think this matchup boils down to the RB3 matchup, Ingram vs. DJ.
Simple Jack (1-1)
vs
Theo Bins (2-0)
Simple Jack (7) vs. Theo Bins (1)
As I’ve talked about repeatedly, Theo Bins is both on a heater, and he’s heating up. His team is pretty stacked with little to no holes in it (the bench is a scary sight tbh). Any time you can start as well rounded of a team as Maxer has, you should be set up for success. The big question this week is how will his WR2 and WR3 do? Diggs will most likely face Jalen Ramsey which could lead to a lackluster week and Amari Cooper is due for his prototypical bad game. Simple Jack is hoping that his massive spending on free agents will pay off as he’s starting both of his new toys. Tribble’s play is boom or bust this week. He’s either gonna put up 125+ points or gonna put up <90 pts. I think Max will regress back down to reality, but will still put up some good numbers. Look for this to be a tight match around the 125 pt mark or a blowout with the boys of Theo Bins cookin’ our little Simple Jack.
Saving Matt Ryan (1-1)
vs
TuRd'Z CrEw (1-1)
Saving Matt Ryan (10) vs. TuRd’Z CrEw (8)
I have a bone to pick here. Dr. Turbak, I may never write another sentence about you and your team because I hate writing the 7th grade naming convention you have for team name. Fuck it’s annoying. Anyways, I digress. This will be a big game in my eyes. I think this week will determine the amount of panic we see from Saving Matt Ryan for the remainder of the season. If he wins, he’ll feel good. If he loses, full panic mode. I know it’s only 3 weeks into the season and he’s 1-1 but the stress of the week 1 victory and the embarrassing performance of week 2 can make any man feel uneasy. Large if you actually read this, I want you to text the group chat “Cakefarts”. My bet is that the fella doesn’t read it. Who can blame him though; he’s running a company, has like 8 kids, and can’t stay sober long enough to make it through a full draft. Back to the matchup. This is an interesting matchup because both teams are playing 2 TEs. On paper Team T Crew has the better TEs by a long shot. But TEs are so volatile so really anything can happen. I also think Keenan Allen is going to have a big week given that Herbert is a much better passer than Tyrod. I’d give the edge to TuRd’Z CrEw; he’s got better RBs and better TEs.
Worst Teams to Trade With Rankings
Robin's Power Rankings
You know, I’ve been known to make a few trades here and there. Here is my list of the worst people to trade with. Do these rankings have any bias towards people who have given me really good players? I will never say (see line 7 where I do say).
1. Uncle Tito
– Has been known to offer a trade, you accept, then he gets nervous and backs out.
2. BK Sizzle
– Every year, same thing. Thinks a trade is a good deal, says let’s wait until next week and then decides to turn you away.
3. Johnny Drama
– Values his players way too high. Values his draft picks even higher. Legit will say “i’m not trading my 2nd rounder for your 4th rounder” in week 8 of the season.
4. LA FLAMA BLANCA
– I think I’ve offered him a total of 3 trades in 12 years. But I’m just assuming he wont trade shit with how stingy he is in real life
5. Kobra Kyler
– Usually wont trade much. Takes a while to get back to you. We get it you’re a doctor, you’re busier than we are.
6. Theo Bins
– See the above definition for Brendo and add on, “send me the trade and I’ll look at it later”. Not into it, let’s text and make some counter offers. Very to the point though, quick to say yes or no.
7. TuRd’Z CrEw
– Willing to make some big moves. Traded me Ekeler and Carson last year in what turned out to be a huge win for me.
8. My Ball Zach Ertz
– Fun too watch these two tilt. Gotta be hard having 4 people (including Rob and Ryan V.) weigh in what you should do in a trade. Gave away D. Henry last year, yikes.
9. Worse Than Drew
– Wont leave you alone and will *try to* talk you into a trade. Some would call me a great trader. Recall back to Large giving me Julio and Lamar for Steve Smith and somebody else.
10. Simple Jack
– Loves to trade and gets rattled every time he does so. Also willing to break rules and do an under the table “hey you drop him and i’ll pay you in sex” type of trade.
11. Browntown Bruisers
– He tosses around players like he tosses around Brittany. Just moving them left and right.
12. Saving Matt Ryan
– Gives away players like they’re free (See line 9). Goes with his gut feeling which I like, a lot. Has been trying to redeem the “Trade Rape of 2015” ever since.
Kruiter's Power Rankings
I figure, being the data driven guy I am, that I should poll the most active trader we’ve seen since Paul Revere was slinging raccoon furs for some porridge to feed his 16 (yea, 16) hungry kids.
1. Johnny Drama
2. Kobra Kyler
3. LA FLAMA BLANCA
4. Theo Bins
5. Saving Matt Ryan
6. Simple Jack
7. TuRd’Z CrEw
8. Uncle Tito
9. Browntown Bruisers
10. Worse Than Drew
11. BK Sizzle
12. My Ball Zach Ertz
Bold Prediction Cotton
Robin's Bold Prediction
Looking back to last year I think I started 1-5 or something disgusting like that (went on to win 7 straight, nbd). I remember tilting and texting with BK for a trade. He reminded me that he once started 0-5 and still made the playoffs (RIP 8 team playoff). He’s on his way again this year. But, I actually think he’s gonna win this week. Carson is too good of a QB to look this bad, Ekeler is gonna benefit from Herbert and Kenny “Babytron” Golladay is looking like he’ll play. Now that BK is a dad, I think he’ll harness his new dad powers and will his way to a win. I can’t think of many things that are worse than having your son be born into this world where last year you were the Loser of the League and this year starting 0-2. Cutler only know’s Dad as a loser and BK better turn that around quickly if he wants his legacy to be looked at in the same light in which BK looks at it.
BK Sizzle 114-99
Brady's Bold Prediction
After killing last week’s prediction and calling the biggest upset of the season thus far, Brady is back to his ways of nailing bold calls. This week we go a different direction and predict the lowest point total of the season, coming from Hurts McGee, Johnny Drama. A team that now is forced to start JK Dobbins and Darrell Henderson at the RB position has me very worried. Coupled with the fact we’re seeing a dinged up Julio and a late scratch for DJ Chark, this team is on pace to have a rough week. The current low point total sits at 75, I’m predicting our first 60 pointer as J-Vachs fails to hit the 70’s.
Browntown Bruisers: 108-69
