First Half Recap
Seeds 1-3
Brought to you by Jakob
1. Theo Bins (6-1)
Well Well Well. The champion is in first place again. I would like to first say sure, it’s an impressive accomplishment to maintain this level of excellence this long. Now, let’s examine. Do we really give him that much credit for drafting Kamara 5th, probably not? Kamara was RB 12 last year, this season # 1 by a wide margin, smidge of luck I would say. Sure helps that the newest member of the WR Diva club “Can’t Stand Mike” (nickname given by his team mates) is to busy punching people to play football. Hopkins is basically number one overall WRl so we will award him with an B+ pick with Nuke. Lastly, I will commend him for setting down the block of cheese that Theo often wears as a hat, to draft none other then star WR Justin Jefferson Moss. It must have stung a little bit, but the purple gods have rewarded him with a game breaker. Theo has also greatly benefited from having his opponents score a league low 711 points, must be nice. I am not going to call his first half a fluke like the one and only super bowl appearance in the Rodgers era, but Theo’s team is a little Eddy Lacy, and by that I mean top heavy. Like the beer cheese soup, you find at the one and only restaurant in Green bay, Theo Bins may be over rated.
Unlike the draft, when the playoffs roll around it’s looking like Theo will be there. Back to back would be no doubt impressive, and you are an inspiration for everybody who has overcome cyber bullying to make yourself a true success story.
Current record: 6-1
Regular Season Prediction: 8-5
2. LA FLAMA BLANCA (5-2)
What a start for Mark, he leads the league in points. He has overcome so much in these first few weeks of the 2020 season, and has done it with only a minimal amount of bitching. Players with Covid, players with injuries, physical altercations we would later blame on tequila. He truly deserves to be here at the top. The hardest working guy I know, and when he finally gets up from his work chair he immediately picks up his phone and begins trying to take advantage of his friends with some of the most low balled trade offers I have ever encountered. Mark, sit down, relax, and like they say in Seattle, let Joel cook. Seriously, its your house, put those boys to work. What a steal in the 6th round to get Russ Wilson. The MVP of the national football league, and potentially a league winner. Mark has no flops on his team, and even scored some backups like Alex Mattison and Geo Bernard to provide some depth. Calvin Ridley is an absolute monster, and without a doubt the second best WR in Atlanta, wonderful pick.
I think we all need to look out for Blanca as he may go Derek Henry on the second half of the season. I would like to take this time, to ask you Mark in a public forum to quit skipping Vikings games. Mark stopped showing up as our record got worse and worse. Over the years Mark has gotten really friendly with a fellow Vikings fan named Mike. Mike misses you Mark, he said a Sunday just isn’t a Sunday without you. Below is a picture of Mike and Mark. I hope for the sake of Mike you will reconsider. He has stopped his famous halftime speeches because although he says they are for everybody, they are mostly for Mark.
Current record: 5-2
Regular Season Prediction: 9-4
3. Simple Jack (4-3)
There isn’t much to say about Simple Jack’s roster, mostly because it’s terrible. But Goat’s goat, and some freaking how against the highest amount of points scored on him in the league he has rattled off 3 in a row. The fantasy gods look out for Matt, and I don’t know why. Matt experienced the biggest loss, very early in the season. That loss was the nicest shirt he owned when Brett ripped it off his very very large chest on draft night. The losses didn’t stop there, he then lost the 2nd overall pick Saquan Barkley. Ouch! He now has a cast of characters’ barley good enough for 3rd team all pac 10 honors. Carlos Hyde, Cam Akers, Antonio Gibson, Joshua Kelley, Dejay Dallas. The latter I have never even heard of, but the name alone is worth a roster spot. Let’s examine his WR’s where he doesn’t have a single guy who is a top option on there respected team. Tee Higgins, Mike Williams, JuJu. Let’s just hope you get Deboo back soon so you can add another WR in the mix capable of double digits once every three weeks.
Enjoy third place because with 6 guys ahead of you in points you’re still in great danger of the Sacko. All jokes aside I think we have all seen this story before, Lamar will probably carry him into the championship game for the 7th time. A tale as old as time.
Current record: 4-3
Regular Season Prediction: 5-8
Seeds 4-6
Brought to you by Robin
4. BK Sizzle (4-3)
After starting 0-2 BK Sizzle was beginning to wonder if 2020 was going to play out much like 2019 did. But thankfully he has been able to go 4-1 since starting 0-2 with his most notable win coming agains the reigning champ and the #1 ranked Theo Bins. When looking at his first half of the season, one thing sticks out to me. He’s 1 of only 2 managers to face opponents who have scored less than 100pts three times this season. Albeit, 2 of those sub 100pts are at an average of 96.23 which is a number that Kobra Kyler would dream to put up each week. I should also point out that BK Sizzle is sitting just outside of the top 50% for points for. Which is the exact recipe you need to be sitting at the 4 spot with a record of 4-3.
Taking a look at this team’s transactions and roster status as of Week 8, I can tell you one thing: the guy has got to be a little bit emotionally drained. He’s made only 2 trades this year and both were for receivers. And both of those receivers are currently injured. Edelman underwent a “precautionary” surgery and Michael Thomas just cannot get healthy. The other serious injury comes with Ekeler getting injured very early on. BK Sizzle has a sexy looking team. But they need to get healthy. If you he can get this roster out there at full health; I could legitimately see him going DEEEP into the playoffs. Just gotta get there first.
Current record: 4-3
Regular Season Prediction: 8-5
5. Saving Matt Ryan (4-3)
Take this with a grain of salt coming from a 2-4 team like me, but I legitimately just looked at his roster and started laughing. How this team has gotten to 4-3 can only be boiled down to a couple things. It’s not because he drafted well, probably because he only drafted about half of his team that night. But It’s because this guy LOVES to trade. And somehow, he’s made the right moves at the right time. I also think that some luck and/or good fortune has played a part. He’s been keeping that lucky bonger around him all year which I believe, is the reason why he’s at 4-3.
Listen, I’m 100% here for a Large championship. I would love to finally enshrine him on the Connie Cup and cement him into the history books of the Whackers legends. If I had to pick a guy I root for more than myself, it’s most definitely Large. And I would love to see the state of the league with a wildcard like Large at the helm. But I’m nervous about this year. I don’t know if he’ll find himself down with the bottom feeders with the likes of myself and Who? Leo because I think he’s made a deal with someone or something that we don’t even wanna know about. I mean two of his wins have come from absolute miracles on a MNF game. Somethings fishy about this season.
Current record: 4-3
Regular Season Prediction: 6-7
6. Browntown Bruisers (3-4)
The current commissioner is sitting at the 6 spot with a 3-4 record, which could very easily be a 5-2 record and most certainly should be 4-3 but Large turned the tables on Kruiter and bruised his browntown with the late play Drake touchdown that shouldn’t have even happened. Throughout the first 7 weeks of the 2020 season the commish has put up some good numbers week in and week out ranking him in the 3 spot for points for. The 2020 season has been no different than any other for the Bruisers as he’s made 5 trades already. He started the season with Mahomes, Watson and Big Ben and now he’s sitting with Mahomes and Herbert dealing the other two big name QBs for too many RBs to even count anymore. Speaking of RBs, he’s had 7 RBs in the top 24 on his roster at one point in time during this season. And that’s not even counting CMC who’s about to return.
Looking at this roster, you’ve gotta think that he’s got a really good shot at making a respectable playoff run. I first typed out “shot at his 2nd title” but looking at his W/T options I get a little worried. He’s got some talent but the floors on some of these guys are lower than the basement of his meth head/best friend neighbor. One thing is for certain though, anytime you have Mahomes and CMC both healthy in your lineup, you should be juuuust fine.
Current record: 3-4
Regular Season Prediction: 7-6
Seeds 7-9
Brought to you by Matt
7. Uncle Tito (3-4)
Uncle Tito has an excellent team… on paper. Zeke, Jallen, Lockett, Kelce, J-Tay, and Butker with the cherry on top. Currently on the outside looking in, this team barely scored over 100 points the last two weeks ending the first half of the season on a two-game losing streak. What’s the problem with this team? Consistency. Josh Allen has ha three bad weeks in a row, Zeke is on a dumpster fire of a team, Indianapolis delights in giving Hines and Wilkins more touches combined than JTay, Lockett can go for a 45 burger or a 1 burger. This, coupled with some extremely tough opponents down the stretch, leads me to believe this team will fall just short of the Super 6.
Current record: 3-4
Regular Season Prediction: 5-8
8. My Ball Zach Ertz (3-4)
My Ball Zach Ertz is on a two-game slide heading into the halfway point of the season. Management asked themselves, you know what we need to boost this team? That’s right, another quarterback. Rostering Big Ben, Brees, and Tua Tagoijosdgjla is a bold strategy. Another bold strategy that has gotten them this far is by suspending Manager VanLaeken from the trading post. If not for this call, My Ball Zach Ertz could be sitting in 12th place with a record of 0-7. Roster isn’t strong, but has a friendly schedule the rest of the way. Zach Ertz will go .500 on their way to a 6-7 record. Unfortunately, they will need a 7-6 record to make the playoffs this year.
Unless Davante Adams can get 200 yards and 2 touchdowns every week, this team has some problems.
Current record: 3-4
Regular Season Prediction: 6-7
9. Kobra Kyler (3-4)
It’s truly amazing this owner is in 9th place at 3-4. He won last week while starting Leveon Bell, Lamichael Perine, Jonnu Smith, Brandon Cooks, Frank Gore, and AJ Green. You smell that? I just farted, so if you can then that is amazing. But it is also the smell this roster emits each and every week. That might be a little harsh due to Aaron Jones and Miles Sanders both being out as of late. He will lose this week to BK Swine and next week awful lineups, but moving forward, he has a real shot to make a push into the playoffs once he has his big 3 in Kyler, Jones, and Sanders back. Kobra will need to stick around the .500 mark until. Will he do it? Probably not.
Current record: 3-4
Regular Season Prediction: 4-9
Seeds 10-12
Brought to you by Brady
10. TuRd’Z CrEw (3-4)
TuRd’Z CrEw was off to an incredible start banging out 3 wins in his first 4 games while climaxing with 155 points and a beatdown in Week 4 against his spaghetti pal, Simple Jack. It’s been a disaster ever since. He has now dropped three straight, with the last two failing to top 75 points, sitting in the bottom 3 in standings and finds himself in a worry of hurt at the RB position.. Mixon is day-to-day, lil’ Chubb on IR, and Freeman nursing an ankle injury. The CrEw also has a giant void at the QB position rostering Derek Carr (QB15) and Cam Newton (QB23), the latter of which was just recently benched for Jarrett Stidham. I don’t think I need to tell you how bad Stidham is but i’ve got the time so here you go: Stidham has thrown 1 TD this year to 3 INTs, with a 47% completion rate which is DEAD LAST among qualified QBs this season. Matt Ryan was dropped by Turd two weeks ago and has since averaged 26.5 PPG…ouch.
Things do not look pretty for TuRd’Z CrEw down the stretch as he will face 4 of the top 6 teams in PPG. I’d peg him for a couple more wins and a legitimate shot at beer bitch.
11. Tough Luck (2-5)
The holder of the worst regular season Win % in Whacker history (min. 169 games played), finds himself in a very rough spot sitting at 2-4 and second to last in the current standings. Ruby Tuesday has lost 3 of his matchups by a combined 8 points, two of those losses by under 2 points. Tough Luck my friend, tough luck indeed. Adding insult to injury, this team cannot stay healthy at the WR position with Diontate Johnson and Godwin nicked up for what seems like every week all while OBJ has suffered a season-ending ACL injury after eating a few too many poopsicles. Shitty luck, huh? Robby used his LT Vision by predicting an injury to Chubb the week he traded for Hunt and boy has that panned out. The Tannenator has been straight shredding and currently sits as QB8 (PPG) on the season. Can Tannehill turn the luck and lead them to the promise land?
No. No, he can’t. Tannehill has been great but draws some very tough matchups ahead. He’ll also lose Hunt to a timeshare in Week 10 when Chubb returns. Coupled with the injuries at WR I forsee this team winning a couple more games, ending with the worst record in the league.
12. Who? Leo (2-5)
Jake the Snake proclaimed himself as the all-time leader in regular season wins in Whacker history after a Week 1 win and has since dropped 4 of the last 5, sits dead last in the standings and has now moved to 4th on said list. Karma? Who? Leo failed to top 100 points 3 times (2nd most among Whacker teams) and has won only 2 games this year, both against teams that have put up less than 76 points. Rough. Who? Leo made his first trade in 3 years trading away an injured CMC and Deebo Samuel for Dalvin and the naming rights to Brett’s dad joke. Dalvin has played one game since and CMC is set to return Week 9 with Deebo looking very, very good. Good team names can be tough to come by though, so Jake may have actually won this trade.
It’s been a rough start to the year for this squad but I do see better days ahead. This team is led by one of the best backs in the league, when healthy, and has a very strong core of WR’s. Who? Leo will also see one of the easiest remaining schedules down the stretch. I like this team to have a winning record from here on out, but just shy of the newly formed 6-team playoffs.
